Separation and Divorce

Sometimes a marital relationship dissolves suddenly while others seem to fall apart over a long period of time. Whatever the circumstances, if you are facing a separation or divorce this is a very difficult period in your life.

Almost half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.  While for some the separation or divorce is a relief, for most people, even if their marriage has been troubled for some time, it is a shock when the relationship actually ends.  In most cases it can be many months or even years before you are truly ready to move on and let go of negative feelings and behaviors that resulted from the relationship and its termination.

If your marriage is failing, or has recently ended, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions including depression, sadness, anger, hurt, anxiety, fear, stress, confusion, and a loss of self-esteem and confidence. Loneliness is an additional problem you may face as an accompaniment to a separation or divorce.  All to often loneliness and other negative feelings result in your feeling empty or hollow inside which in turn can cause you to withdraw from relationships with others or can result in your being so needy that you enter into relationships that are not healthy.

How you deal with a separation or divorce will have an impact on the rest of your life, the life of your spouse and on any children involved. If you try to hide from your feelings and if you allow yourself to become bitter, you may be angry and depressed for years.  You need to carefully explore your emotions and come to the point where you can see the separation or divorce as an opportunity to re-examine your abilities, dreams and goals and learn to make the changes necessary for a meaningful future.

A special note regarding the child(ren) involved in a separation or divorce situation.  In general, I have found that if staying together is creating an emotionally troubling situation for your child, it may be best for you to separate.  It is not a good idea to blindly stay together for the sake of the children.

Your child(ren) needs to know what is happening.  Remember that your children probably see, hear, and know more about what is going on with you and your spouse than you may think, but their ability to understand the impact of what they see and hear is often limited.  Hiding the severity of the situation leaves children feeling confused and anxious.  While the details you give your child(ren) will depend in part on their age, you should encourage them to ask as many questions as they want. What is important is that they understand in general what is going on and they are assured that  you love them and will make sure they are taken care of.

When talking with your children about separation or divorce, it is important to be honest, but not critical of your spouse. Most children want to know why their lives are being upset.  Remember this is about the situation and about what is happening that affects them, it is not about blame or guilt. 

You will face many legal and emotional problems along with separation and divorce and you may need professional help. For legal matters, seek the help of an attorney. If you or your child is experiencing severe emotional stress, contact me or another psychologist or other mental health provider.

I advise my clients that before you act on your feelings concerning separation or divorce, make sure you have taken all reasonable steps to make the marriage work.  Try discussing the situation with a therapist or marriage counselor either in individual therapy or in couples counseling. I can make sure you focus on the relationship and on how each of you is behaving, rather than on who is at fault.  In helping my clients, I have found that short term, goal focused, cognitive therapy and Reality Therapy combined with traditional psychotherapy to be very effective (see the link types of therapy).

In addition to dealing with the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship, there are many practical issues I can assist with, including issues surrounding children (providing support and time, access arrangements, childcare, school issues, birthday and holiday arrangements), issues about money and property (who lives where, managing the finances and who gets what property), dealing with friends and family (telling others about the situation and deciding how much to say, maintaining friendships, and relationships with in-laws), and personal survival concerns (creating time, space, and a method for grieving, for therapy, and for rest and recovery).

For more information about separation and divorce, please click on the links Marriage Problems  and Parenting Issues as well as the linked websites listed below.

"If you really want help dealing with your feelings and emotions, changing your behavior, and improving your life, I will be happy to help you.  I am available almost any time and any place.  You can call me directly and there is no cost or obligation for the initial telephone consultation.  Or you can reach me by email.  I look forward to the possibility of helping you to improve your life."   Dr. Vince Berger