Lack of Confidence

Your degree of confidence, called self-confidence, is the trust or faith that you have in yourself and your abilities.  Self esteem is the opinion you have of yourself.

Realistic feelings of confidence and positive self-esteem affect how you think and act, how you feel about others, and how successful you are in life.  Having self-confidence does not mean that you can do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves. 

Self-confidence allows you to have positive yet realistic views of yourself and the situations in which you are involved. If you have self-confidence, typically you do not fear challenges, you are able to stand up for what you believe, and you have the courage to admit your limitations. 

Most of us have areas in our lives where we feel quite competent while at the same recognizing areas where we do not feel at all confident.  Having an accurate sense of self-confidence means you avoid behaving overconfident or reckless.  It means you are not afraid to take risks on tasks that you are able to do and you do not get paralyzed by the fear and anxiety when faced with things you want or need to do.

Lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead, it is often the result of focusing too much on your own unrealistic expectations or standards and on the expectations and standards of others, especially parents, friends and society.

Any discussion of confidence should include information on self-esteem. While self-confidence is the knowledge that you can succeed at something, self-esteem is the capacity to like yourself and to feel that you are a worthwhile person, regardless of the numerous successes and failures that you experience in everyday life.

Self esteem is the opinion you have of yourself. It is based on how you value yourself as a person, what you do and how you do it, how you think others see you, what you see as your strengths and weaknesses, and your sense of independence. A healthy self-esteem is not contingent just on your successes because there are always failures to deal with.

With healthy self-esteem, you will like yourself because of who you are and not because of what you can or cannot do.  A person who lacks self-esteem too often has unhealthy feeling and behaviors such as depression and sadness, anger and jealousy, eating problems, attention getting behaviors, alcohol and drug abuse, and addictive behavior.  Even though you may be painfully aware of these negative feelings and behaviors it is often a difficult task to change them unless the issue of low self-esteem is addressed and corrected.

Self-esteem should not be based on comparing yourself to others. It should be based on an appreciation of you as a person.  If you have a positive attitude about yourself and your abilities, you will see yourself as competent and in control of your life.  Positive or high self esteem is critical if you are to have a positive attitude about life.

There are many reasons why you may suffer from low self-esteem. Perceived lack of self-worth, uncontrollable jealousy, relationship break-ups, high levels of anxiety or stress, inability to think positively, depression, and many other issues affect our self-esteem.  Most normal people feel badly about themselves from time to time but a person with low self-esteem carries these feelings around much of the time. If you are one of these people, you may go through life feeling bad about yourself. Help is available.

Since lack of confidence and lack of positive self-esteem are both learned and not inherited, they can be replaced by new learning.  This learning involves your motivation to change, breaking old habits and developing new productive ones, and a good deal of time and energy.

Psychological therapy, including Reality Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, Behavioral therapy, traditional psychotherapy, and life coaching can be very effective at building self-esteem and self-confidence.  A therapist or coach can providing you with a wide variety of self-help resources and practical solutions. 

Invariably, one pattern that needs to be changed is the habit of negative thinking. You can learn to stop judging yourself by what happens to you in life so that you are not basing your confidence on factors outside of your control. Treatment can focus on what to do and what not to do. You can learn to set goals on the basis of your strong points and on what you can realistically achieve, and then work step-by-step to reach these goals. You will need to focus on your successes and learn to let go of past mistakes.

Life and living is difficult and even your best efforts will not always successful.  But having a healthy and realistic sense of confidence and self-esteem can assist you in managing life and help you to achieve the success and happiness you desire.

For more information about self-confidence and self-esteem, please click on the linked websites listed below.

"If you really want help dealing with your feelings and emotions, changing your behavior, and improving your life, I will be happy to help you.  I am available almost any time and any place.  You can call me directly and there is no cost or obligation for the initial telephone consultation.  Or you can reach me by email.  I look forward to the possibility of helping you to improve your life."   Dr. Vince Berger