Grief

Grief is how you react to a loss. Losses can range from loss of a treasured item, to the loss of employment, loss of a pet, to the loss of a loved one.  All loss involves the absence of someone or something that fulfills a significant need in your life.

Grief

The grieving process is personal and grief responses are influenced by personality, family, culture, and religious beliefs. Responses include those of an emotional, physical, and social nature.

Emotional responses to grief are varied and can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, despair and depression.  Physical reactions to grief include sleep problems, increases or decreases in appetite, and increased susceptibility to illness such as colitis and infections. Social reactions include changes in family roles and relationships, withdrawal from social contacts, and ceasing to care for one's physical and emotional well being. 

In an attempt to escape from the reality and pain of a loss, some people act out their pain and sorrow by engaging in self-destructive activities such as taking alcohol and drugs or engaging in addictive behavior.

When the loss is a loved one, the adjustment period after the loss is called the period of bereavement. The time spent in bereavement depends on how attached you were to the loved one and how much time you spent in anticipation of the loss. Bereavement can be a high risk situation if no actual or perceived support is available.  Some mental health professionals view the process of bereavement as proceeding through several phases including shock and numbness, yearning and searching for the deceased, disorganization, despair, and suffering, and reorganization and recovery.

Guilt

Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some real or imagined offense or wrong. You may be one of the many people who focuses on the negative aspects of guilt that causes you to see nearly everything  as a problem. It can confuse you, slow you down, and at times completely immobilize you so you do not think or act rationally.  However, guilt can also be seen in a positive light in that it can help motivate you to learn from painful experiences, motivate you to make amends or to try to repair damage to relationships, to confess and seek forgiveness, and to change your behavior.

In psychological terms, guilt is an emotional state in which you experience conflict at having done something you believe should not have been done, or have not done something you believe should have been done. From a legal perspective, guilt can also refer to the condition of having done something legally wrong, regardless of how one feels about it. 

Seeing the feeling of guilt in its proper light allows you to understand that it is a safety valve for the human condition. Guilt means that we have a conscience and see a right and wrong way for us to behave. 

For most people it is helpful to talk about grief and guilt with others. You may be one of those persons who do this naturally and easily with friends and family, or you may need to talk with a professional therapist.

No matter who you seek help from, the helping person needs to understand the wide range of emotions and behaviors that may result from grief and guilt, accept your personal reactions, and respond in a way that will be helpful to your growth and recovery.

In trying to help yourself, the following suggestions may prove helpful:

Remember that grief and guilt are normal emotions that can have both positive and negative components.

Keep in contact with others since family and friends often provide us with a a sense of support and meaning.

Talk about your grief and your guilt if, and when, you can.  If you are not able to talk about these feeling, try writing a journal for yourself.

Develop and maintain a pattern of regular physical activity.

Eat healthy and get an appropriate amount of sleep.

In the case of grief, create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way.

If your feelings of grief and guilt are not letting up, if they have turned into depression, or have taken control of your life, they can totally dominate your thinking, decrease your level of motivation and productivity to almost zero, undermine your self-esteem and sense of worth, and destroy your hopes and dreams. 

Feelings of grief and guilt can be helped by therapy.  There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with guilt.  Trying to hide or deny our grief or guilt feelings does not usually lead to a healthy situation.  It is important to look at the reasons for the grief or guilt to see if your feelings are appropriate to the situation. Guilt can sometimes be remedied through an understanding that the source of the guilty feelings, through confession, sincere remorse and repentance, by forgiveness, or through the completion of remedial behavior. 

An experienced therapist knows many effective strategies to help a person deal with grieving and guilt.  I have been able to help many clients with treatment approaches such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Reality Therapy (RT), and traditional psychotherapy.  Sometimes anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, when combined with counseling and psychotherapy, can also be very effective in helping to reduce the feelings of grief and guilt.

Realistically you will not eliminate experiencing all grief and guilt in your life.  However, being able to put your grief and guilt feelings and behaviors into proper perspective, and develop and implement a plan to alleviate them in a healthy way, are important skills to develop. Each person needs to learn how to deal with and control grief and guilt so that they do not control you.

For more information about grief and guilt, please click on the linked websites and glossary below.

"If you really want help dealing with your feelings and emotions, changing your behavior, and improving your life, I will be happy to help you.  I am available almost any time and any place.  You can call me directly and there is no cost or obligation for the initial telephone consultation.  Or you can reach me by email.  I look forward to the possibility of helping you to improve your life."   Dr. Vince Berger