Co-dependency

Co-dependency is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving that developed during childhood. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating family members who display this pattern of behavior. A person who is a codependent exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her.  It is also called “relationship addiction” because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Co-dependence can be seen as a set of maladaptive and compulsive behaviors learned by a person in order to survive in a dysfunctional family. Co-dependency affects your ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.  Co-dependent people tend to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy.

A person who is co-dependent typically tries to control a relationship without directly identifying or recognizing the controlling aspects of their behavior.  The co-dependent person thinks and feels that they are acting in another person's best interest and they fail to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.  They try to take care of a person who is experiencing a problem and, while the co-dependent's intentions may appear to be good, their involvement ultimately becomes defeating.  Sometimes, the co-dependent is referred to as an "enabler."

By way of example, a man may help cover for, and hide, his spouse's alcoholism; a parent may use their influence to keep his/her child from the consequences of some illegal behavior; or a fiancee may make constant excuses for her boyfriend's addiction.  The unhealthy component in each of these examples is that the co-dependent person makes repeated excuses or rescue attempts which, in the short run, excuse the behavior and, in the long run, allow the negative behaviors to continue.  As this protective behavior pattern continues the co-dependent person develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from being "needed" and "helpful"..

Typically a person with co-dependency will show some of the following symptoms:

• direct or indirect controlling and manipulative behaviors

• difficulty adjusting to change

• intimacy and boundary problems

• care taking behavior

• a misplaced and exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

• a strong need for approval and recognition

• fear of being abandoned or alone

• the tendency to do more than their share and to become hurt when their efforts are not given the appreciation and recognition they believe is due

Co-dependence is often accompanied by depression, and anxiety as the co-dependent person feels frustration, anger or sadness over their inability to modify the situation or modify the relationship. Co-dependents often view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness over and over in relationships and, without professional help, they are likely to continue to be involved with people who have unhealthy behavior and unhealthy boundaries.

Many professionals think that the label of co-dependence is used too freely.  It is also thought by some that co-dependency does not need to be treated while others believe that a person with co-dependency can be helped with short-term treatments rather than involved psychotherapy.

If you experience the types of problems discussed above and are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships, a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional can help you determine if you are co-dependent and they can help you work out new behavior patterns to improve your relationships with others. But you need to choose your therapist carefully.  It has been estimated that up to 50-80% of counselors have not addressed their own co-dependency issues.

When I work with my clients, the first step in helping them to change unhealthy behavior and thought patterns is to help them understand how they are really behaving and thinking.  Then we begin working on changing their patterns.  Any care-taking behavior that is negative is brought to light and then changed. Treatment approaches typically include typical psychotherapy, cognitive restructuring, reality therapy and behavioral therapies.  Listening, assertiveness and communication skills are frequently a part of the therapeutic plan. Therapy and coaching can help you to become more aware of non-helpful thoughts and behaviors and help you to develop new coping skills and new ways of relating to others.

For more information about co-dependency, please click on the linked websites listed below.

"If you really want help dealing with your feelings and emotions, changing your behavior, and improving your life, I will be happy to help you.  I am available almost any time and any place.  You can call me directly and there is no cost or obligation for the initial telephone consultation.  Or you can reach me by email.  I look forward to the possibility of helping you to improve your life."   Dr. Vince Berger